Don't trigger me, bro!

One of the more difficult challenges with managing anxiety is recognising our triggers. Knowing which conversations, locations, events, people or circumstances flare up anxious thoughts and make us feel uncomfortable can be extremely difficult to recognise.

Today, I was talking with friends about how difficult it can be to differentiate between a legitimate and justified emotional reaction, or a more 'out of control' anxiety induced response.
I feel confident in saying that the longer one suffers from anxiety, the more challenging it can be to make this distinction.

I'm having a really shitty time with work. There's no other way for me to phrase it. I'm unhappy with the direction of the company and the decisions being made there. This has lead to myself and my immediate colleagues all feeling crippling undervalued.

It's gotten so bad that just going in to the building, or seeing a particular person there is severely affecting my mental health. This is particularly distressing to me, as I am endlessly passionate about what I do and I am fortunate enough to work with friends, not colleagues. Real friends too, the kind you actually want to spend time with outside of work. 

Just yesterday, an exchange took place between myself and one of my colleagues that lead to me having a mild panic attack, crying my eyes out in my car during my break and attempting some emergency meditation in an attempt to get a hold of myself.

It would seem in this instance, passion for what I do is not enough to keep me mentally healthy. Outside of writing this piece, that is an issue I am working on.

Tied to my issues with my place of work, I recognise that discussing my own future is a significant trigger for my anxieties. I was discussing with a friend recently how much pressure there is to have a solid plan in place, to know what you're supposed to do in life - and how upsetting it can be to not have a plan. This is both a societal and self-imposed pressure, but for myself, I also feel like not having a plan in place is especially disappointing to my parents. 

This leads me to another substantial trigger, that of my parents. I want to make them so proud, to be all I can be. But I'm a soon to be 33 year old man living at home with his parents with no savings, a crappy car, and a job that is breaking my mental health. It's hard not to feel like I'm letting them down. 

I've not spoken to them about my anxiety disorder, though I have no doubt my mother suspects. My father, however, is not a man I care to talk about my struggles with, especially when he frequently bullies my bipolar uncle. If he equates struggling with bipolar disorder as "laziness" how on earth could he comprehend something as ill-defined as an anxiety disorder? That's a conversation I'd rather avoid altogether, thanks. 

Lastly, there is the most difficult of all triggers for me. Something that I'm extremely nervous about admitting to: friendship and love. 

I've mentioned before that I suffered through an abusive relationship coming out of my teenage years and into my early twenties. I spent three and a half years being manipulated, blackmailed, and physically and mentally abused. At the time, I 'knew' only two things: that women are crazy, and you do what you can to keep her happy. I don't know where I got those ideas from, but the toxicity of those little gems of 'wisdom,' combined with a partner who was controlling, vindictive and held a grudge like no other has left me with a lot of doubts about my own self worth. 

Outwardly, it would be easy to say that I wear my heart on my sleeve. Truthfully though, much of what people see of me is a front. They don't see the 'behind the scenes' me where I am often an emotional wreck, full of conflict and uncertainty. It is only very recently that that has changed. 

The prospect of someone learning about the mess in my head, my psychological scars and my self doubt is... shameful. That's not who I want to be. Like it or not, I have a lot of baggage. 

If I feel myself getting close to someone, I often fail to properly express myself, or to seize the right moment to tell someone how I feel - because I give in to the anxious worries and questions. "Is this real? Do I care for this person, or am I projecting my own loneliness on to them? Is there even anything between us, or is this all in my head? What about that one nice thing they did for us?" You can see how this is hugely unproductive.

What I'm learning though, is that I need to own those feelings. My anxiety is just one part of who I am, it is not all that I am. I'm learning to be open, to be honest, and at this time in my life I don't want or need folks around who can't accept me for everything I am. 

Despite my anxiety, getting to know someone is a beautiful experience, and can truly be one of life's great joys, regardless of the outcome. 

And besides, nobody fell in love without being a little bit brave. It just takes that bit more bravery when you're trying to overcome an anxiety-ridden mind! 

Thank you for reading.