The Trouble with Trust

Trust is what makes the world go round.

When I start my day, I trust that my alarm will go off on time to wake me, that I've got food in for breakfast and that my car will start to get me to work.
I trust many things subconsciously too, that my drive in will be safe, that hopefully there will be no delays or incidents on my journey, that other road users will drive safely and sensibly, and I trust that the Bluetooth connection from my phone will allow me to listen to music on my drive.

Naturally, there is also the trust we place in others. Work colleagues can hopefully be trusted to have done their own job to a standard that supports both themselves and the entire team, enabling things to run smoothly and efficiently.

Then there is the trust in our friends. This trust varies greatly depending on the relationship we share, how close we are. Likewise, this trust is variable. We place a different degree of trust on the different attributes of our friends. Is Tim always late, or cutting it fine? But would he have your back no matter what?
When talking about our very closest friends the trust is deeper, something built upon years of assurances and mutual support, sometimes unspoken, sometimes not.

Penultimately, we have what may be the most complicated form of trust: that which we place in our significant others. This trust is complex and contradictory, both intensely secure and stable, yet fragile and able to be shattered to pieces in a just a few words or actions.
For my part, the time I felt most in love with someone made me feel both utterly invincible and totally vulnerable at the same time. That I could do anything with and because of her, but that she could destroy me with just a look. There is a reason the vast majority of our entertainment media talks about love.

And of course finally, there is the trust we have in ourselves. How well we know ourself is key to how we trust others. Imagine then, second guessing every decision. Doubting your choices or your reactions, a level of insecurity and unconfidence that can be paralysing. This is the mind of someone suffering with an anxiety disorder. Until very recently, this was my own mind day in, and day out.

Everybody feels anxiety at some point in their lives. But for people like me, who were diagnosed as having 'moderate to severe anxiety,' every day can be a struggle. An anxiety disorder is like living in constant paranoia, the endless cycle of worry and 'what ifs' trapping you in perpetual stagnation. It is a state of near-constant self doubt, second guessing yourself, coupled with an overactive imagination that always brings out the worst case scenarios. It is exhausting.

Try to imagine how it would feel for somebody who does not trust themselves to place faith in others. This is not a solid foundation for any relationship, be it friendship, professional or otherwise. However, if someone suffering from anxiety feels secure enough around others to place their trust in them, I hope you can see why this would be significant.
When one's own self-belief is so tenuous, trusting another so fully and confidently is a bold move.

I was discussing with a friend how he felt after a recent breakup. He was devastated, and revealed that the actions of his ex have left him struggling to put trust in women. This, naturally, is a sweeping generalisation, something said in the heat of the moment that doesn't reflect all women. My friend is more than smart enough to understand that objectively, but his emotions got the better of him.
Both he and I have suffered through abusive relationships. Manipulation, narcissism, blackmail and even physical abuse have been issues the both of us have had to deal with. That shit leaves its mark both literally and figuratively. Speaking for myself, I'm fairly certain that  relationship is the primary contributor to all of my anxieties.

I am old and wise enough to understand that one negative experience, however bad, is not representative of all relationships. Unfortunately, due to the anxiety it instilled on me, I have been rendered unable to establish meaningful long term relationships with women - and it's not for lack of trying, believe me!

Anxiety is a kind of evil brain training, it conditions you to expect certain negative responses to any given situation, so trying to build a positive, intimate and meaningful relationship with another is extremely difficult on such poor foundations. Imagine questioning evening having a crush on someone. Sure she's cute, but do I only think that because I'm lonely? She probably has a boyfriend anyway. If she doesn't, she isn't going to want one who suffers with a mental illness. You may as well accept that you'll never be in a real relationship. That cycle of defeat is repeated so frequently, it becomes a normalised response to something as simple as seeing an attractive person. It's honestly ridiculous.

My writing here is about awareness. I want people to understand how debilitating it can be. The quiet son, the friend who only has one night stands, the guy who you can't understand how they're single? I don't mean to suggest that all of these examples are definite signs of an anxiety sufferer, but for my part, it is the bitter truth.

I would ask that you don't always trust the front that people show you - I may look happy, I may genuinely enjoy making you laugh, but I'm doing it to hide the fact that my brain is a broken, anxious mess.

Thanks for reading.