Lies, Deceptions!

It's been a while since I last wrote anything. Anxiety and depression are still a major part of my life, but now there's something new helping me to battle through the darkness. That something is love. 

I'd really like to tell you that I've had some grand revelation about how I've learned to love myself, but that remains a work in progress. Instead, the love I've found is shared with a beautiful girlfriend, who seems to be the perfect partner for me. 

A strong point of relatability for the two of us became apparent very early on, when we were discussing our struggles with mental health.
My girlfriend is borderline bipolar. I'm eternally thankful that we were both very open about our mental health before our relationship began, as it would have been an unpleasant surprise for both of us when things get difficult. It has set a blissful precedent for open communication with each other and I am deeply thankful for that. 

As you might imagine, both partners having brains that seem forever intent on self-sabotage can sometimes make things extremely volatile. It often feels like there are four of us in this relationship, my anxious and self-defeating personality, my girlfriend on her lows and then each of us on our highs or non-depressive phases. 

I'm carrying a lot of baggage from my abusive relationship many years ago. I've mentioned before that it's likely a prime candidate for much of my self-loathing and self-doubt, but it's also left it's mark in other ways. 

You see up until now, I've only ever felt unrequited love in my life. The last time I shared a relationship with someone I thought loved me back, I was being verbally, physically, mentally and emotionally abused. Like many abuse victims, I concluded that I was the one at fault, that I must be continuously screwing things up and if I only I could just do better by her, the abuse would stop. I "deserved it." 
So a pattern of behavoir I learned was that whenever my abusive partner was angry, miserable or otherwise depressed, I would feel that I caused all this negativity. 

I have discussed my past many times with my current girlfriend. She's busy in the process of trying to convince me that I am worthy and deserving of her love. I hope one day to believe her. Sadly though, I reflexively assume that I am the root cause of her lows, or struggles and frustrations she may be facing.
Intellectually, I fully understand that that is very rarely true - my girlfriend suffers from depression and as such will endure lows at the whims of her illness - but this behavoir is so deeply entrenched in my brain that I can't shake the idea that I am not always the cause of negativity. 

Likewise, because I am so averse towards causing friction or negatively impacting her emotions, I have frequently caused harm inadvertently, leading me to feel like even more of a piece of shit, for hurting someone I love without even meaning to! This is so, so tiring for the both of us. To genuinely love one another as much as we do, yet to each have a mental illness that will take any excuse to throw a spanner into the works is often exhausting, not to mention completely unfair. 

Fortunately for us both, the love we have is worth enduring all of the bullshit our brains force us to deal with. Words cannot do it justice.

Of course, mental illness and depression isn't constant. Rather, it is constantly a part of our lives but I'm not always an anxious wreck, and she's not always depressed. If that were the case for either of us, I very much doubt there would be enough of a person left to meet each other in the first place, let alone fall in love. 

So there are lows. And when we're really, really lucky, there is calm. Passivity. Tranquility. No mental noise. Just us. Those moments are rare, and they are by far the most precious. 
Highs, though. Highs are almost as insidious as lows. 

In proper parlance, bipolar sufferers frequently cycle through stages of depressive lows and 'mania.' The manic phase is typified by hyperactivity, bursts of energy and creative ideas, and extremes of positive emotional states. I have no doubt that I have very strong bipolar tendencies - I feel most things in extremes. Everything is either the best thing ever, or the worst thing ever. I rarely have a measured response to anything. 

Something I've noticed in myself and my girlfriend though, is how we are often guilty of treating our highs as a reflection of our "genuine" selves. It's when we'll get fanciful and start dreaming, or go on ill-advised spending sprees. We'll start making big plans for the future, and generally get a little over the top.
This can be pretty insidious for both of us. Trust me when I tell you that our highs and lows are hugely responsible for our creativity, but that urge to express and create can manifest in ways that may sometimes be detrimental to us in the long run. 

High me likes spending sprees. Buying new Lego or videogames, going out for meals or trips to the cinema at times when I can ill afford them is a common habit of mine when I'm high. I'm trying to harness my hyperactivity, because I know that just around the corner, there's another deep depression coming. I'll be back to hating and doubting myself in no time, so I try to make my mark on the world, so to speak. It's often irresponsible, but why should I care when it won't be long at all until I feel completely unable to care about anything? 

Depression is vile. Mental illness is utterly insidious, and makes you a prisoner in your own mind. Sometimes, I am driven, I am determined and full of hope. Other times I am nothing. 

Sometimes my brain deceives me, and as such, so do my words. I don't want to deceive the person I love, but it is something both of us have to accept and learn to manage if we want to keep our relationship going. And I'm proud to tell you that we very much do. Anxiety and depression may frequently leave me uncertain, but there is one thing I do know: I am very much in love, and this is one thing I will not allow my mental illness to take from me. 

I love you, Penguin. 

Thank you for reading.