Hopelessness

Adversity everywhere.

For me.

For the person I love.

Nothing but hardships, dead-ends and denials.

I feel so crushed.

I went to the doctor the other day, because I am really struggling with my mental health at the moment. I explained all of my issues. Told her how I wanted more help coping and I felt like I was losing my grip. In doing so, my anxiety was sparking so high, I had a full on panic attack. Did this medical professional do anything to help calm me down, or work through it?

Apparently, this particular doctor interprets the Hippocratic oath as 'do no harm but give no fucks if someone is suffering.' I was struggling to express my difficulties with reconciling my past, how it is negatively impacting my behavoirs and thoughts. I got told - verbatim - "Everybody has a past. Focus on the present." Oh shit, why didn't I think of that?!
When I said I couldn't stop the tirade of negativity and self doubt in my mind, she literally told me to "try to stay positive!"

Humans like this make me wish magic was real. I would curse this ignorant woman with crippling anxiety and depression for the rest of her days. I'm already deeply ashamed of my mental health struggles, and she just dismisses me, making no effort to acknowledge my request for further therapy or assistance.

Is this not malpractice? I already feel like a fraud for not having a "real" illness, and it goes without saying that this has sent me spiralling deep into the darkness. At the time of writing, I do not want to exist, at all. I have been plagued with anxiety nightmares every night since. I am utterly exhausted by keeping up the pretence that everything is ok. Carrying this mental baggage around is crushing me and I can't cope at all right now. I don't want to go on like this.
And the best part? I don't even know if I'm overreacting here. I can't trust my own thoughts, so I may have been completely blown off when I asked for help, or I could just be completely pathetic and unable or unwilling to sort myself out.

What the hell am I supposed to do? Is this my fault? Did I fail myself for not being able to properly express what I'm dealing with? Or does being articulate about my problems mean it's not that much of a problem after all?
I fully empathise and sympathise with those who see suicide as the only way to escape their mental health problems. When you become so trapped, so disempowered, when you've done all you can to fix yourself and nobody listens or cares, when you are so frustrated that the whole world goes out of its way to prove to you what a worthless piece of shit you are, what other possible way out is there?

I mentioned curses before. I'm cursed with knowing that my suicidal thoughts and feelings are just a symptom of my broken mind being unable to express itself properly. Sure, nobody is willing to help me and I want to die, but tough luck Timmy, you have to "stay positive" and "move on from the past."
Sometimes having a modicum of intellect about mental illness makes it so much harder for me. And the toughest part? Oh, I must be ok really, because I'm not actively trying to kill myself.  That's how high my bar is set, folks. I'm painfully aware that not even suicide makes people take mental health issues seriously.
To quote a lesser known song from my favourite band: "My life's a joke and the joke's on me."

I can't live up to all the expectations the world has of me. To be a good friend. A good employee. A good son or brother. To be a good boyfriend. A good snowboarder. A good martial artist. To keep improving. To be better. To set goals and achieve them. To take care of my health. It's too much. I can't live up to any of it. Every day is the same. Put on the face. Play the role. Dance for the audience. I can't take it anymore. I've gone insane. Possibly literally.

A thought just occured to me in my shower. I'm not sure my mental health has ever been this poor, and I'm taking into account the fact that I was in an abusive relationship for three and a half years. Helpfully, this thought is just more fuel to the depression fire that is spreading so, so aggressively across my mind.

I want to be 'just' sad. I want to be angry about this. But I'm so apathetic. I have completely given up hope. I am a worse person because of this. I used to have passion. Now I have nothing.
I'm not an idiot. I know this isn't constant. I may get a few hours, maybe even days of respite if I'm lucky. But the older I get, the more aggressive my anxiety and depression become. And I'm so, so tired of it.

So fucking tired.

Thanks for reading.