Success Induced Anxiety

Of all the myriad ways anxiety tries to sabotage my efforts to lead a normal life, this is the one I hate the most.

Putting my writing out in this blog has been really helpful to me, a way for me to express my own thoughts and feelings and to hopefully help others through their own struggles.
The reactions I'm getting are wonderful. People are going out of their way to actively encourage me, full of compliments and self-confidence boosting praise. I'm truly humbled. I want to keep writing for the sake of the people who benefit from reading my posts.

Anxiety somehow manages to twist all of this positivity into a hollow, pyrrhic victory.
The following is an example of the thoughts and feelings in my head during an anxiety attack:

"Sure you've touched people and got a positive reaction, but what's actually changed in your life?
Writing feels good but it's always felt good and you do it all the time, so that's nothing special.
So what if you can write well and your friends want more? You're not making money from it and you're still working for a company you hate. Writing more doesn't change the fact that they've massively reduced all your shifts this month. It doesn't change the fact that the morale among your colleagues is at an all time low. Writing doesn't change the fact that all of the management are completely out of touch with both the product and the industry they proclaim to take part in.
Sure, you love what you do, but you're being grossly exploited and are disgustingly undervalued there.
Putting your thoughts out in a blog changes nothing. It achieves nothing."

My honest reaction to this spiral of negativity and self doubt? Fuck you, anxiety. Fuck you. How dare you take this from me? How dare you make me feel this bad over me accomplishing something, however small?

This battle that anxiety creates within is overwhelming. It's awful. How am I supposed to function when a part of my mind won't allow me to feel good about myself. I'm only human. I just want a little gratification once in a while. I'm fully aware that seeking validation from others isn't the right path to defeating my anxiety, but dammit, I just want a little support now and then. Some love, a cuddle to tell me I'm wanted and valued. That this is just another anxiety attack and it will pass.

But the truth is that anxiety would even twist genuine affection and support into insincerity and insecurity. It is a toxic, manipulative mental parasite. It is a curse.

I recently learned that Chris Evans, aka Captain America, has struggled with anxiety. My own anxiety is telling me that he made it because he's obscenely better looking than I am.
But nobody has to see my face if I'm a writer, so what is it that's preventing me from finding success?

Always, it comes back to the learned behavior of seeing all the faults and failures in my successes. Years of self doubt and self torture. I reconcile one thing only to try something new, and have  anxiety throw it back in my face.
It is a very difficult thing to live with. Some people choose not to.

Anxiety may beat me up at times, and be utterly ruthless when it does so - but it will never defeat me. Fuck you anxiety. Fuck you for eternity you stupid, shitty illness.

Thank you for reading.